This is one of my favorite pictures of Kathleen taken last summer (Aug 18.) It's hard to believe that this was less than one year ago. So much has happened since then.
As most of you know, Kathleen's birth mother came and picked her up this past Friday. She will be with her birth mother for now. Both birth parents have a July 30 court date for a custody hearing. I won't put any more about the situation on the blog, but will be happy to answer questions by phone or e-mail.
I have logged on to this blog to write this post several times, but words fail to express our emotions at this time. Of course we miss her, but that seems like such an inadequate phrase. We are just trying to keep busy. Partly, I don't want to do anything, because anything done seems like a betrayal. If I move forward, I am moving forward without her. If I smile or laugh, I wonder if she is happy or sad. Right now everything I do reminds me of her; everything is in some way about her.
We have tried to keep the other kids busy. I took them to the Indian Days parade on Saturday. (Kathleen would have liked that.) After Stephen got off work, we went to the campground and let the kids ride some of the rides. (Kathleen would have not liked the walk to and from, but would have loved the rides and the general excitement.) Yesterday we went to church (which Kathleen always liked) and back to Indian days in the evenings (she would have liked the snow cones and the Indian dancing that we watched.) I could go on, but you get the idea.
Eventually, I will get to the point where I don't see everything in relation to Kathleen's absence from our lives. Yesterday, church was hard, but it was also a reminder that we have such a loving church family, friends, family, neighbors, and an incredible network of support. It is hard to realize that Kathleen does not have that right now.
We are taking comfort in the fact that God is in control of the situation. As much as we love and cherish Kathleen, He loves her even more. His love is perfect and pure, unlike ours. He is never hampered by any selfishness, pettiness, short sighted vision, etc. She belongs to God more than to us, to her birth mother, or her birth father. As we struggle with the limitations of our human abilities, we know that He has no limits. We trust that He will be with her to love and comfort her in any situation she faces. We know that God can use good and bad in her life to shape her into the person that He wants her to be one day. God has a plan for her life, and though we cannot see that plan, we trust in His goodness and care for her.
In summary, please pray. Keep our whole family in your prayers, especially Isabelle. She spent most of her time with Kathleen, and this has been very hard for her. Most importantly, pray for Kathleen as she faces transition and uncertainty. Pray that she will have God's comfort in a very real way, that she will realize how precious and loved she is, and that none of this is her fault. This is a very confusing time for her, and I pray that she will be able to cling to God as the one constant in her life right now.
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